Ways to Annoy William Wallace
by CelticWater
Summary: What're the ways to drive the great Sir William Wallace insane? Read and find out!Meant for the movie version of William Wallace, not the actual man.
1. Wallace

**When I typed this, I meant it for the movie version of William Wallace, not the actual man. Trust me, I myself respect the Scotsman greatly, and I would never disgrace him. My parody is saved for Mel Gibson, the American with a sad attempt at a Scottish accent XD.**

**Disclaimer: Come on, I was two years old when _Braveheart_ was made. What lunatic would seriously think a toddler could own an epic?

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Ways to Annoy William Wallace

1. Make fun of his kilt by calling it a dress

2. Tell him that Murron had an affair with Longshanks

3. Ask him if he really can shoot lightning bolts from his arse

4. Regardless of his answer, ask him to show you how do #3

5. Spread a rumour around the camp stating that he wears a pink thong

6. When his men ask him if it's true, and he says no, jump up and down screaming, "LIAR, LIAR, LIAR!"

7. Tell him that Robert the Bruce thinks he's really a woman

8. Say that you expected him to be more manly at his execution

9. Give his battle strategies to any random English captain

10. Tell him that his Uncle Argyll wasn't half-blind until he saw William's face

11. Replace his kilt with a rainbow one, and force him to wear it

12. Get Hamish to paint a black moustache on William's face while he's sleeping

13. Tell him that the only reason Murron accepted his proposal was because she felt pressured

14. Every time he walks by, sing "She Bang" off key at the top of your voice

15. Replace his sword with a styrofoam replica

16. Sell the real sword on ebay

Tell him that when Stephen threw his dagger at the assassin, he was really aiming for William

Proudly state that your grandmother can wield a sword better than he can

Sing "It's a Small World After All" into his ear when he's sleeping, so when he wakes up it's stuck in his head

Start banging your head on a brick wall. When he asks what you're doing, angrily reply that you're trying to bash the butt-ugly image of him out of your head.

Kick him in the shins and randomly shout, "Toast!"** ((a/n: Don't ask))**

Ask him why he's disgracing Murron's memory as he's having an affair with Isabelle

Make fun of him for crying during the Battle of Falkirk

Tell the camp that his real name is Wilma, not William

Find excuses to follow him around and scream, "Make way! Wilma Wallace comin' through!"

Ask him why his fake accent sounds like a dying cat

Whenever he brags about his ability to speak many languages, speak gibberish and demand if he knows what you just said.

When he replies that he doesn't know and asks what the language is, laugh and don't answer

Bribe Campbell, Morrison, Stephen, and Hamish into pouring a cooler of Gatorade over him at the end of a battle

Constantly poke him, demanding "TOP SECRET" battle plans

Whenever he rants on about Scotland's freedom, cock your head and stare at him with a slacked jaw and vacant expression

Show his naked baby pictures to the army

At three o'clock in the morning, fire an air-horn in his ear and scream, "Rise and shine, Wilma!"

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**Okies, how are they? Lame? Funny? Straight-up random?...R&R please!**

**I'm probably going to write Ways to Annoy Stephen next. Any suggestions?**


	2. Stephen

**USDA-Certified Organic---thank you for reviewing!! Here, I don't know if these are as "good" as the Ways to Annoy William Wallace. Hey. I tried.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Braveheart. Duh.**

**Stupid Statement: Yes, I know these are utterly stupid and random. I don't care. I was bored and uninspired to write anything else.

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Ways to Annoy Stephen

1. Release the fans to glomp him **((a/n: I don't know how many Stephen fans there are, but I know I'm one!))**

2. Every five minutes, ask him what God is saying

3. Follow him around and ask him to talk just so you can hear that awesome accent

4. Ask him if you can "borrow" that wicked shield/pike thing

5. Don't give it back.

6. As he walks by, mutter, "Insane Irish," under your breath

7. As you're on the battlefront waiting for the fight to start, stand in the second row and poke the back of his head. When he turns around, look away and whistle innocently

9. Run up to him and ask, "Why don't you ever say, 'Kiss me, I'm Irish'?"

10. Stare at him intently. When he asks "what?" comment that he needs a shave. Very badly.

11. Ask him if he felt left out because he couldn't moon the English at Stirling **((no kilt to lift up))**

12. Put a huge, wolfish grin on your face. Ask if he knows who Hannibal is while you not-so-discretely hide a knife behind your back.

13. Steal his hard-leather tunic and hold it for ransom

14. At a moment of stealth and suspense, scream the lyrics to "Danny Boy" into his ear

15. Ask him why he just stood there when William was executed

17. Spread a rumour that he's just pretending to be Irish, and he's really an Englishman in disguise

18. In the middle of the night, dress him up in an English soldier's uniform. In the morning, when everybody's staring at him, shout, "SEE??"

20. Call him Stephanie

21. At a time of angst, pat him on the back and say, "It's okay. Don't cry, Stephanie."

22. When he chases you down for calling him that, say, "Wow, the hormones sure are skyrocketing today, aren't they, Steph? Is it That Time of the Month again?"

23. Walk in front of him at all times, shouting, "Clear away! Crazy Irishman coming through!"

24. Ask why he isn't wearing his straitjacket

25. Scribble orange, white, and green stripes onto his face while he's sleeping. When he realizes what you've done the next day and yells at you, say, "But…you look so _patriotic_!"

26. If he's ever sneaking around or is trying to avoid someone, scream, "Look out, they're right behind you!"

27. When he asks who "they" are, respond in a hushed voice, "The leprechauns. They're out to get you…"

28. Ask why he ripped his dagger through someone's crotch in the Battle of Stirling** ((Watch the battle—he did))**

29. Follow him around and sing any U2 song off pitch and as loud as you can, all day, every day

30. Mimic an Irish accent under your breath whenever he talks, even if you really suck at it

**Review or flame. Someone. Please.**


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